I can miss weddings but not book fairs... went to the international book fair at expo and as usual, spent more than half of my salary on books. I am happy though as I managed to get some of the books I had been looking for since long like virgil's aneid and joyce's dubliners. I have enough collection to last for a year... *looks at the shelf with a satisfied smile*

Today's Quote

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

New Year is just four days away. Summing up, contrary to my country and the world’s situation, this year my life had been quite stable after I came back from hospital. I got chance to pursue my dreams and explore myself. Most of my friends went abroad but my work kept me from missing them. Being a school co-coordinator was harder than I thought. People don’t always live up to your expectations. In the course of my job I learned many lessons and luckily the damages were reversible. My experience unveiled beneath-the-surface-traits of many people. It was a bitter disappointment though but I found it easy to move on. People kept walking in and out of my life but I realized that at the end of the day, it didn’t even matter. In short,

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
- Demi Lovato

Oh, by the way, I am working on this winter tree with oil pastels. With so much work piled up, I can only hope that it gets completed by the end of holidays. =)



Happy holidays.

Love.

These are are some of my earlier works with oil pastels:

It feels like home...

Well, I am blogging after ages and it feels good. It was my father who noticed as he commented that he hadn't read my views about the current political situation... though he doesn't read my blog but he reads my letters to the editor of Dawn and my posts to numerous groups/blogs/communities.

Its not that I had been busy, its just that I had been out of touch from myself for long. May be because I had been so caught up in sorting other peoples' lives that detached me from self. Still it feels amazing to be writing again which I hope to be doing regularly.

Finished reading Shakespeare's Julius Caesar today, I finally found another person who is interested in literature after Mimi and DN.

Muskan is getting engaged tomorrow and I wish her all the best.

I am enjoying my vacations like anything.... a break I needed for sure. Never found eid such a blessing before. That reminds me of BBQ party on Saturday which is going to be a social gathering of good, bad, old friends-turned-acquaintances and some new colleagues. Somehow, I don't feel like socializing but still, I am looking forward to it ;).

Blow, blow, thou winter wind
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude

It was a full moon night. The terrace was bathed in its silvery lustre, giving it an enchanted look. The streets were deserted and the silence engulfed the atmosphere. Though one would hear the cricket singing in the near distance or the sound of moving vehicles on the road far, still they couldn't affect the serenity of the atmosphere. People seemed to have given themselves up into the arms of Morpheus while the moon and I, wandered along... like old companions.

I am cursed with the ability to think for myself. Seriously!!!

I am done with reading Shaw’s Pygmalion and it’s brilliant in terms of human relationships and conventional perceptions of morality. The play ends with: Indifference is deeper than infatuation.

I have grown quite lazy since I’ve come from hospital. All those drugs that I took and am still taking are to be blamed.

Things to do:

1. Complete my English planner (more like, start planning for August).
2. Practice working with oil pastels
3. Sketch more
4. Finish reading Out of Africa that I started ages ago (the book is really
good… trust me).
5. Eat less junk food.
6. Cut down on coke.
7. Stop thinking too much.

To the Dryad

The chirping of merry birds
the melancholy song of brook
the lovers half asleep in the bush
the sunlight giving their cheeks an auroral look

lying there on a soft-bedded grass
with their forms intertwined
isolated from the world
united in their souls and mind

then, there are men
as handsome as Adonis
soothed by Dryad’s lullaby, they
rest in the arms of Morpheus

And when the earth bathes in silvery luster
of the moon that lights the raven sky
with wind’s moan and cricket’s song,
whispers of Cupid and Psyche’s sigh

she hears all this while she wanders
companionless in the oak land
but as happiness blossoms in her heart
the buds bloom and dense greenery clothes the woodland

when hope dies, her leaves dry up
gradually, in the brook, they fall
until nothing remains except for the silence
the echoes of which tell her sad tale to all

Today’s thought

Ignorance is bliss. Every time a person starts knowing, he dies a little.

The tendons and ligaments of my muscles have been torn apart, disjoining bones and cartilages, caused by carrying a book thicker than my wrists and heavier than my weight. This Guinness Encyclopedia has made my wrists and arms shout PAIN. The saddest part is that the more I move my arms, the more they ache. It’s like a sharp twinge of pain traveling thru blood stream or neurons transmitting painful signals in my body. And I cannot sit still. It’s a sheer torture!

Zoya

The youngest and cutest person in our art class =)

Reincarnation

Finally I am out of depression phase. Okay here are some of my sketches:

Surrounded by family, friends and many others… yet I am alone. They all have disappeared into infinite darkness and here I am... companionless and drenched in my pain. Life has never been easy. Suicide? I don’t want to end up doing that but sometimes; it’s the only way out. But razor is my savior for tonight. Neither tears stop flowing nor the blood.

Things in the nutshell...

I am doing well in my fine art class and my teacher seems to be impressed.

I have rejoined school and will be teaching english instead of computers... that's okay since I love english and computer both =p.

It has recently been disclosed that my employers and my colleagues admire me very much because of my attitude.... well, its a relief as I have learnt to get along with people but still, the credit goes to my employers since they are nice and educated people =).

My friendship with mimi has taken new course as we have started discovering each other's clandestine (read dark =p) sides and this has lead to better understanding between us. Infact, I have started confiding in her and feel secure with that... its not everyday you come across such people.

I have discovered that anti-depressants are of no use to me.... depression is an integral part of my life and I would have to learn to live with it.

We are having really bad summers with hot and humid climate and kesc blessings =p

These days I am reminiscizing more about past and thinking why do bad things happen to good people?

Bibliophily

My recent indulgences include shopping impulsively for a dozen of books. The only thing certain in my life is the uncertainty and to cope with that, God has given me a spontaneous personality. Here goes the books list: =D

1. A Brief History of Times – Stephen Hawking
2. Death at my Doorstep – Khushwant Singh
3. Animal Farm – George Orwell
4. The Princess – Jean Sasson
5. One Hundred years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. Love in the Time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
7. Princess in Love (Princess Diaries III) – Meg Cabot
8. Princess in Waiting (Princess Diaries IV) – Meg Cabot
9. 11 Minutes – Paulo Coelho
10. Mein Kampf (My Struggle) – Adolf Hitler
11. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
12. Pygmalion – Bernard Shaw

I have a habit of taking solitary walk on terrace at night. The weather is awesome today. The soft gentle zephyr calmed my agitated mind and thoughts flew away like butterflies. The atmosphere was pregnant with peace – the starless cloudy sky with moon behind the clouds… illuminating them with its white glowing light. Gradually, my emotions started harmonizing with the environment and finally brought peace to my soul.

I shall have some peace there,
for peace comes dropping slow,
dropping from the veils of the morning,
to where the cricket sings

As they say: Too many cooks spoil the broth.

It was obvious from the beginning that the coalition between PPP and PML N wouldn't last long. PML N federal ministers have submitted their resignations to the Prime Minister.


Something that Saadi wrote on Big B's wall on facebook:

"by the way stop predicting Pakistan's Future its already dark without ur predictions :P"

LOL! I second that =)

Spent a day at mimi's place... I always enjoy talking to her and playing with her kids. Its not everyday you meet people who you can have intellectual conversations with. She has vast knowledge about many things and she is an awesome writer. I persuaded her to get into blogging.

She also lent me two books:

1) Out of Africa
2) River God

About our politicians:

They are men of words but not deeds.

So true!

Lolz.

Things I cannot do:

• play football
• drink coffee, pepsi
• eat junk food
• drive
• dance
• skate
• swim
• go to work

Things I can do:

• read books
• write
• watch tele
• stay up whole night
• talk to friends
• hang out with them for a while

Slavish copycats

For all Atif Aslam fans, especially who love his song Pehli Nazar of movie RACE, this is a *HUGE* disappointment!



As mentioned in a comment, the song was part of the soundtrack of a 2005 Korean tele series titled, 'Kwae-geol Chun-hyang' (Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang or Sassy Girl Chun Hyang).

Well, you can expect this in bollywood flicks infact, plagiarism now has become a characteristic of indian movies. Still... thumbs down for the music composer Pritam!

And you can expect similar things (or much worse) from artists like Ali Zafar (whose Lux song's composition was a plagarised version of an arabic song), Atif Aslam and manyyyyyy more who have sold their souls (and songs) to commercialists!

No work and no play makes xuni sad and an indolent being.

Today's song:

The following song is not the type I usually listen to, but somehow for reasons unknown to this writer as well, she feels she can relate to this one =p

Bleeding Love


Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say

I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

-Leona Lewis

Today's thought

Man proposes, God disposes.


Happy Pakistan Day to all.

An unprecedented break

My readers have surely missed me and so have I. First it was my pc that went out of order and then it was me. Though still struggling with my illness, I am finally able to sit in front of pc and write about this ordeal.

Spending a week in a hospital was nothing less than a worst nightmare. What appeared to be a simple case of acute bronchitis, turned out to be an infection in my lung. My fragile body was attacked by some hideous virus and other microorganisms which luckily, were uncovered before they were able to fully surface. But the damage had been done because it’s almost been a month now since I was discharged from the hospital but recovery, contrary to my expectations, is quite slow. At one point it seemed that I won’t be able to pull thru. What I went thru at hospital was quite painful and depressing. As I see my scarred arms I recall the times when nurses searched for veins and sometimes arteries, to drain blood from my body. Ironically, I never felt that bad about self-mutilating. Anyways, that was the time when hopelessness and depression had completely engulfed me. My soul suffered more than my body as it always had. Although people there tried to show me the light but I was too blinded, by tears of suffering, that I couldn’t see it. All around me was misery and agony and I realized that humanity, at large, was suffering. Their hardships and distress increased the intensity of my pain. Even I felt death and I thought may be God wants me.

May be I deserved that. What else do you expect when you have been in a state of deep depression for five months – living on junk food; extreme addiction to caffeine; insomnia? Though not on surface, but my entire body system has become atrophied from long neglect. May be it will take couple of months to get back to normal life but I am happy that I m getting better day by day.

As life goes on, hope lives on.

Love you all.

"Poetry begins with delight and ends in wisdom"
-Robert Frost

Today's Quote

"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair."
-Bertrand Russell

I have got a lot of useless knowledge in my head.

Forget, forget thy dreams.

I know it's a bit late to make a post about New Year, somehow, I didn't feel like celebrating… with so much suffering around us, it didn't seem to be worth it. I swear to God, this year we have just about had enough.

No resolutions for this year as well 'cuzz I hardly keep any.

My recent indulgences:

 Staying up whole night till 5 am and sometimes 6
 Watching every movie they show on hbo and showmovies
 Consuming coffee
 Downloading the books I want to read from internet, then realizing that reading from computer is painful so better go and buy them.

Well, I do resolve to change my dissolute course of life. Staying home has transformed me into an indolent being. By the way, watching striking poses of Ms. Bhutto on all channels for a week, made me gather that she was indeed pretty. :)

I just hope that we all have it in our hearts to help those in need, whether it is your maid who is too sick to come for work, a child who is searching for food in rubbish, the homeless man who is living on the corner of your street, or even just being a good role model to those who look up to you. If we all do our part to be good people, the world will definitely be a better place.

Happy New Year.

Love.

I went to school today, though not early… at around 11. All schools were closed except our unique school. Many teachers showed up but not all. Things seemed to be back to normal in the morning. Assuming that mourning period is over, most of the shops were opened. The deserted roads became little populous with transports. Except for few most people went to offices also. But at around Zohr prayer time, we heard gunshots and came to know that all neighboring shops were being forced to shut down.

We stayed at school for a while to be sure that firing was over and then set off for home. Since I didn't take the main route because of possible danger, so while moving thru the lanes of residential area I saw a crowd of women around the fruit and vegetable sellers – it’s the end of the month and people are running out of groceries, there were bunch of kids and teens in every lane who seemed worried and almost everyone appeared to be talking on cell phone…. uncles on terrace, teens outside houses and were staring at me in wonder where this girl is heading to in such horrible situation!

Karachiites are going thru worst period of their lives. Never had been situation such horrendous as been after Bhutto's assassination. Ugly scars of violence are spread across the city… because this southern region is dominated by Bhutto's supporters.

And as the darkness completely engulfs the city, I can feel the emotion of Pakistan's loss in the cold breeze of night.

I wish our politicians had been foresighted enuff to envisage this all but then… they wouldn't be our country's politicians!