Lately, I have been reminiscing a lot. About a lot of fun times and I know what Michael said (see below) about dwelling into the past, but I can't seem to get over it. May be I am terribly missing those times. I wish I could turn back the time. I realize even more and more while I am in this lonely room. I just find out stuff about myself like never before. And then people tell me things, and I wonder, I think I have softened up and my facade has finally shown through.
Yeah, some of you reading this probably never have seen me through my facade. But isn't it funny how I can be so cheerful and so bitchy, yet so soft hearted inside? Perhaps, my soft heartedness is no longer there. The only things I feel lately are bitter and anger and I am trying to hold them in before I let it explode. But then the burden comes of holding it in, which makes me tired. In the end, I am probably so exhausted, yet I keep my smile on my face to keep anyone from noticing.
Till now, people really never had to look into me, generalizing people that are. Only a small, not even a handful knows much about me. But, lately, I am getting told things that I should have kept secret. Things that I don't mean to show, but they show right through. My facade is decaying; I guess I am at the point in which I can no longer keep it up. I have no energy to do anything anymore; I wander online to keep my mind off these thoughts. And the more I run away, the more I am backing myself into a corner. And I keep running. No matter, wherever I go.
I will have to lock myself into a corner in my mind and never let anyone in. In the end it's not worth my time to tell people. I push them away. I don't want people to know anymore. No more, just no more. Because, if there's anything in the end, it's no one to turn to.
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