The volcano is silent now till the next eruption. The lava has pacified to some extent. Fumes still linger in the atmosphere but they will disappear too with time. But the damage has been done. The lacuna has widened. Time will drop some sand over but the void would never be filled completely because after every volcanic activity, the gap keeps widening.

Unfortunately, yesterday my husband discovered my recent blog posts (the copy I made in ms word). As expected, he didn't like slashing his mother. I told him that there should be some way to went out my anger and I found this very therapeutic. Besides, he didn't like the last three lines of my previous post. Of course, the idea of moving out scares him. It's not his fault. He is a product of a very typical-conservative-influenced-by-Hindu-culture Pakistani society. Here you are not allowed to think outside the box. You are not allowed to have your own perspective. Speaking one's mind is considered blasphemy. My religion gives me right to demand for a separate home, to make my own decisions (of course, with my husband's consent but not like k mommy mana kareingi or hamarey yehan aisa nahin hota) and to strive to cultivate my faculties and for my financial independence. Had my mother-in-law been normal, I wouldn't have thought about that. But I am grateful that he is supportive. He stands by me whenever my in-laws try to slash me. And that's why I am able to bear all this. He thinks moving out will create more distances. What he doesn't realize that though physically close, we are separated by the distance of miles. Only time will tell him that. I just hope I will be around to see that because yester night I prayed to God to make sure mine and my family's life gets over soon and together; since they won't be able to live without me. As for my husband, he has his family to care of him!

Just when things couldn't get worse, there was a verbal warfare today at house. Fire broke the ice. Fragments of thoughts and suppressed feelings of anger and hatred erupted in the form of verbal assaults. Of course, I was the focal point of the collective rage. Whatever I had uttered in the past, the words and statements were morphed and presented as ugly string of characters. Also, the things I had never said or did were attributed to me. Life is not easy here. You have to think twice before even breathing. Everything is analyzed with a twisted angle. I believe when going gets tough one shouldn't be going together. Time and distance together heal the wounds. They just don't understand that! I so wish we move out soon. I desperately need a peace of mind lest I rest in peace.

Nine days to my birthday, what a start!

I was surfing the channels and came across repeat telecast of Shahista's morning programme. It was the set that made me halt because it was designed by IRIS, one of my favourite wedding designers and planners. The programme was dedicated to mothers with Amir Liaquat Hussain as main guest while real-life mothers were also invited who had extra ordinary stories to tell about courage and struggle. While watching the programme and after, I realized I never really thanked God for blessing me with such a great mother and how often I took her for granted. Amir Liaquat's regret was that he didn't get chance to spend time with her mother when she was alive as work kept him busy mostly. As I reflect upon it I do regret too for not spending much time with her, to listen to her. My mother is alive Allhamdulliah, but now that I live far away, and not even allowed to call her daily, I am coming down with a guilty pang. How often have we thought that when we'll wake up next morning, this mother figure won't be present to grace us?

My studies and work kept me busy; she was there with me all the time listening to my craps and it never occurred to me to listen to her as well. She had been thru a lot and there were times when I blamed her for not being strong, for not standing up for her and thus, making me suffer as well. Now I am in her shoes, I have realized how difficult it is. There have been times when I have to be silent in spite of being wronged and the times when I stood up I had to pay a heavy price.

Even during my trip to Pak in February, I couldn't spend time with her. There were my friends and colleagues, my husband's friends and colleagues, distant in-laws, distant relatives, then picnics, parties, lunches, dinners, shopping and some troubles (my mother in law didn't let us live peacefully there too). Amidst these I didn't get chance to stay at my place for more than few hours. She was sad but never mentioned.

Tonight I prayed and thanked Him for His greatest blessing and implored to forgive me for being so thankless. Please God, give me chance to spend more time with her and grant her health, happiness and long life. Ameen!

A blog with a good food for thought:

http://www.marcandangel.com/

I had discovered the meaning of the term 'peace of mind' in real essence when my mother-in-law left for Pakistan for 17 days. When she was leaving she had this thing in mind that I won't be able to handle the responsibilities of the house and she'll be able to follow her bashing-educated-university-girls agenda and in turn make my husband realize what a pathetic good-for-nothing soul his better half is. To her utter disappointment it didn't happen! Now you can expect how this woman with an ego much bigger and bloated than her size and form would react. Yeah, she is on a fault finding mission these days, playing blame games and missing no chance to snub me.

P.S. A moment of silence for those who lost their lives in airplane crash and prayers for the departed souls. May, Allah bless them, Ameen!

To all those ignorant women who have made my life miserable especially you L:

If ignorance is a bliss, you must be orgasmic.

"There's a world I've always known

Somewhere far away from home.

When I close my eyes I see

All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.

Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.

At the edge of the ocean

We can start over again..."

‎- Edge of the ocean by Ivy

No matter what I do, they will never appreciate me.

I am not happy but I think I should start expecting worse from people, in fact I shouldn't expect anything at all - just be passive. There's no fairy tale magic in marriage, you have to work it out yourself. No fairy godmothers to save you. I just learnt that in a year. 

I am reading Shelley these days and his poems are so naturally linked to human emotions. Check this one:

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle—
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea—
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?"

— Percy Bysshe Shelley

Given the circumstances and the situations that I have been forced to live with, I dare to question thee, dear Fate, for what sin did I commit to go thru this ordeal that has left me withering and wishing for the god of Hades to take my soul? My mind refuses to accept what contradicts with the morals and ethics I have been taught. Being deprived of intellectual society and compelled to dwell among people especially the fairer sex, of low intellect; has added to my sense of solitude. Lies, broken promises and crushed hopes are the very things I have to deal with for the sake of my "marital bliss". Pardon my imprudence but sometimes when I look back, I feel that my best interests have never been taken into consideration. These hard times have drained the vitality out of my soul. My patience has been tested to the very end and the firm grounds of principles have been shaken. How long do I have to endure this all? Till the end of my existence?

Please free the threads of my life from all tangles and knots.

Tere Waade Par Jiyen Ham To Yeh Jaan Jhoot Jana

Ke Khushi Se Mar Na Jaate Agar Aitbaar Hota

- Ghalib

My dear hubby:

Life is painful and so are you, at times!

I can't help falling in love with my haircut today which I got for the anniversary. The bangs fall perfectly when I untie my hair. I keep checking myself in the mirror after every 5 minutes.

Oh, zuni! Who told you to be so vain :)

Today's Quote

"All humans are dead except those who have knowledge ... And all those who have knowledge are asleep, except those who do good deeds ... And those who do good are deceived, except those who are sincere ... And those who are sincere are always in a state of worry"

- Imam Shafi, the great scholar of Islam

When a woman can't sleep she writes

Just for one night, let my body be mine

Let sleep belong to me alone, let me sleep and awake

Just for one day, let me walk barefoot on the grass

With not a thought in my head

No idea of what to do next.

Just for a moment let there be

No obligations, no deadlines, no questions, no nurturing

No answers, no giving.

Healer, friend, leader, lover.

Teacher, wife, daughter, giver.

Just for one moment let me be just me.

Just for a silent, perfect moment

Let me look in the mirror and see only me.

And then Her.

Let me rest, recline in the Name.

Let time be mine

Just for one moment.

Just for one moment

Let me be anything but a woman.

- Nimra Amjad-Archer

"Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you."

- The Time Travelers Wife

Little joys:

1. playing antashiri with your husband till 2 a.m.
2. asking stupid riddles and then laughing our heads off at the answers.
3. thanking God.

Love after love

This was the prologue of the book The Time Traveler's Wife.. It's quite honest and fairly easy to relate to. Here goes:

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

By Derek Walcott

Please God, grant me health and forgive my sins.