Rainy Birthday

As the city was drenched in rain last night, my birth night was drenched by a continuous blizzard of birthday wishes that keep pouring in till 3 a.m.

Thanks and love to all those who remembered and called in or texted =)

And to those who forgot to wish – just don't forget my gift = p.

Today's Quote

Dreams, books, are each a world.

-Wordsworth

God up there is experimenting on my feelings. I am missing someone I barely know. It's strange.

This goes out to you. Sorry, I cancelled your call. It was by mistake.

Dur jo aaj hein
Yaad atey to hein
Khwaab adhoorey sahi
Khwaab saharey to hein

Aaj bhi meri rahein rokti hein
Yaadein teri daaman khenchti hein
Bhool chuke hein jo humein
Yaad atey to hein

Saddiyon k fasle aaj hein darmian
Ho jain magar jitni bhi dooryan

Aap jahan bhi rahein
Aap hamarey to hein
Khwaab adhoorey sahi
Khwaab saharey to hein

Aaj bhi meri rahein rokti hein
Yaadein teri daaman khenchti hein
Bhool chuke hein jo humein
Yaad atey to hein

Jaaney kab milein terey merey raastey
Aas tootey nahi yaad itna rahey

Raat dhalni to hai
Aaney ujaley to hein

---- Khwaab by Junoon

Shaheer

My lovely friend's (Mimi's) lovely son. A cute, happy-go-lucky chap!





My teaching job is making me love kids. LOL!

Mimi dropped by today. She is one of the amazing ladies at school and pretty much level-headed. And yeah, she has read more books than I have! =) I always enjoy being with her and like her kids: lougene and shaheer; both are lovely!

We had great time together. It's nice to open up to someone who understands you and is not into worldly things. I think I have been lucky with friends. She gave me some good advices regarding married life. Married women talk! =p

To Whom It May Concern…

Asking almost everyone in the party to take my snap is not cool. Though I enjoy attention as much as you like taking my photographs =p, but please, I had other things to do as well at the dinner than posing for your pictures. And if I didn't say anything, it was just because I was being polite and you were trying my patience. Apart from being your wife who you can not take home (since its only nikah), I am a mean and horrible person and can be really bitchy if you keep trying to mess with me.

Why do girls enter into marriage with romantic ideas?

A dream…

Sitting in a car at night, she looked around. The houses marked the residential area of the campus. Nobody was there and it was a full moon night.

The house she entered presented a look of medieval era. The lounge consisted of sofas having waxen upholstery, rich carpet and lamps. She found her little sis lying down on the sofa. She moved past the dining room and opened the door to find another lounge almost same as the previous one. Another lounge appeared when she opened the door. The house was a labyrinth of similar rooms. She seemed lost.

Standing near the door of what appeared to be a drawing furnished with modern furniture, she saw her classmates watching TV. They were three in all, with two being her friends. She immediately recognized them as: Eddie (who had recently married his girlfriend), Lamba and Syed'z. She asked Lamba to show the way thru the house. He immediately stood up. Typical of him, she thought and smiled. They left the drawing room thru another way out and entered dining room. It was also richly furnished with a modish look.

Lamba showed her what she was looking for - a garden where her wedding would take place.

She found herself sitting in some restaurant-looking place with her two lady friends: uffera and nazia. Nazia, who was sitting on her right, was making gestures. She turned left and saw her bitchy colleague S. No doubt, that bitch was telling something about her to nazia. Then S rushed to uffera and told the same thing in her ear. She heard it but pretended to ignore. Enraged, she gulped down pepsi and left with Lamba who had come to take her.

All those lucky souls, who have read J.K. Rowling's last book The Deathly Hollow, are requested to keep the matters of the book secret.

I remember last time; my junior Xeni asked me if I had read the book and when I told him that I had just started, he was like Oh! Dumbledore mar gaya hai!!! And I was totally devastated. So, please people don't ruin our suspense and fun this time, we can wait but please don't tell us the tale.

Some hopeful thoughts of the day:

1. I will get tickets to watch KKL (Khuda Ke Lye) at Cineplex
soon, given current situation with all cinemas are house full,
it would be a month before I'll manage to get one.
2. Sis will present me The Deathly Hollow on my birthday
3. My husband will buy me ipod for my birthday.

Married Bliss

I am now what they call nikah shuda =D. Spent whole Saturday dozing off. Last two days before nikah were quite hectic. Apart from being busy I was sleepless and restless. And Friday was completely full with the nuptial things…. bridal, makeover and whatnot. Finally, it's all done now. Thank God everything went fine.

The pivotal moment in my life was when I was signing papers. For someone pagan like me (yeah, that's what U thinks =D), I had never imagined that I'll go thru what my friends had called it - a spiritual nirvana. Almost all my friends and cousins asked me to pray for them after breaking the news that angels come down at the very time of nikah.

I remember my elder mamoo coming along with maulvi sahib, my parents and second mamoo in the bride room. They all appeared to be in hurry since time was quarter to 12. I started breathing deeply. I didn't hear a single word my elder mamoo (both mamoo were the witnesses) had said when he came for permission. Then he said loudly: jawab do and everybody started looking at me … tears started running down my cheeks. I just nodded and saw sis T weeping. But when I had nodded for the second time, my mamoo was like you have to say 'yes'. So, third time I said jee and then with tearful eyes I looked at mom sitting beside me, she was crying and I tried to hold her hand but she rushed to her cousin. It was over! No pictures taken! Maybe because of the sanctity of the moment or that's what I was told. I signed the papers (hope my all signatures match) and prayed for muskan. When all men had left, my cousins rushed to my side telling me to stop weeping as it would ruin my otherwise perfect make-up. Then I heard maulvi sahib praying outside and it was then I went thru this eccentric feeling. I silently prayed for everybody – starting from my friends and cousins and ending with my sisters and family. My brain was processing quickly – first their faces appeared and their problems. Though I didn't utter a word but my whole being was in state of prayer. I even prayed for my bitchy rival colleague S and her less bitchy friend N and sab, who had also contributed in making my life hell at school. But then, I didn't feel any animosity. It was as if my soul has suddenly become devoid of evil emotions. A catharsis! I am not sure if angels were present on the earth but I definitely wasn't!

P.S. No feeling of goodwill towards them now =p. Especially after registering the news that S called muskan all the way from thatta or from some godforsaken place on the event's night, just to make sure that muskan wasn't invited along with her. And after discovering my boutique that desperate wannabe has started shopping from there as well. I'll get back at her soon!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen! The bride is here :)

With due thanks to goshi ;)





With cousins riba and momi

I can't believe that I am typing with my mehndi-coated fingers. It's going to be the big day in the morning. My heart is full. My mind is restless. To enter into a life-time relationship with someone you barely know is not easy.

Sometimes, I wonder why God created me that way. Why do I always think about others before taking any decision in case it might not hurt them?

I devoted almost whole day to mehndi. First went to Tahira's place as she is back in town, to give invitation. This woman is getting prettier with time. Her daughter is as adorable as she was before (check in archives). After that, muskan and I headed for Meena Bazaar for mehndi.

After much procrastination, I decided to give invitations to my friends, something I had intended to do on phone before. Went to Jav's place first where I, Saadi and Jav had great time talking and I had almost forgotten my appointment with Sheeb. From politics to my wedding, we talked about almost everything in an hour and half. Starting from a smaller sphere of life that is, my wedding; the conversation moved swiftly to bigger spheres that is, what is happening to other people around us and then finally to our country's politics. The hottest issue Lal Masjid became the topic of debate between the three of us with me and Jav, being pro-Mush and Saadi, being anti. It was an interesting discussion as nobody supported Ghazi brothers. That's where moderate Pakistanis stand average. Though they don't support Ghazi brothers' radical views about Islam but they aren't happy about the way Musharraf tackled the perilous matter.

After saying goodbye to these goodie goodie girls I went to meet Sheeb. Pak Towers is the only place where Sheeb and I like to hang out together.

Top 5 signs you should call for a breakup:

• He is screwing some polish girl in UK
• He keeps promising to marry but it's been 3 years (there's no use sticking to that old bad lot)
• He has stopped calling, you call him now
• He keeps bossing about (and don't quit your job when he asks to)
• He takes you for granted and tries to emotionally blackmail when you ask him to split up

When going gets tough it's no use to keep going. It's better to be single than being hooked up with losers.

You know that point in your life when you have to choose between your dreams and the dreams of those around you. Since I have decided in favor of the latter, I can't help thinking about my supposedly 'new' life. My life has always been a labyrinth full of hazy turns.

Why? If… ? I have stopped asking questions, the answers to which I am sure, I will never get.

It's hard to pursue your goal of happiness when others are not happy with it. Maybe that's what I like to think because I can't take a stand for myself and I never will. For others, I am always willing and able. Can't comprehend this! My skills and services have always been for philanthropy.

Hail Roger!

He has done it! He has done it! Five titles in a row!!!
And eleven Grand Slams! Yaaay…
Oh, Lord! It was such a thrilling match.



"To hold the trophy is always the best thing." - Federer

Finally I am done with writing names on the cards. Well, I did make some blunders because it all seems so confusing when you have to write only 'Mr.' or 'Mrs.' for some guests, I mean why don't these people find a mister or mistress for themselves so that my job could be more easier?

My father has a great choice. I like the design …it looks artistic.

Dilemma

Why do we keep running into people we don't want to meet?

What hurts the most…..

My legs hurt. My feet hurt. My arms hurt. My shoulders hurt and worst of all is the heartache!

Things to do:

1. Take care of my diet
2. don't stay up whole night… yes, I am insomniac
3. think about taking driving test, seeing as I'm 23 with no permit nor license
4. stop thinking about how fucked up my life is… because that's the way things are right now…remember your tarot card reading xuni?


It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Water poisoning!

Another month passed and I didn't write anything for my students. The story still lingers in my mind. Anyways, today was just another rotten day of my life. I have plenty of such days, in fact all of them are worse with few exceptions, so this one will be rated on the lowest level because I had a nice time talking to muskan and I told her things that I never told anyone at school. Yeah, I know I stepped out of my carapace but readers; I do that sometimes when I feel it's hard to pretend I am okay.

Karachiites are going through weird moods of Nature. Today's weather was awfully hot and humid. We went to uni though I told muskan that I am not interested in submitting form for a year old degree, but she considered it necessary and since she also had to get claim form, I agreed to go. What happened there and what we suffered is useless to describe as anyone who has studied in or even entered ku, which includes almost everyone in Karachi, has known tragedy. Some things never change about ku!

On getting home, I discovered that mom wants to go shopping with sis and I am supposed to go along. But the 'ultra-hygienic' water I drank from cooler there caused incessant vomiting so I was spared the torment of walking after marathon walk at uni.

Matrimony

Ladies and gentlemen! I am going to announce the news that I registered nine hours ago. Here it is: It has been decided and settled finally that I am going to get married exactly after eighteen days that is, on Friday, 20th July, 2007.

All I need is time… a couple of more years, but it's hard to explain these things to your parents especially if you have an ailing father. That's why I didn't argue much this time.

I saw this while bloghopping and decided to do it myself:

1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Relationship? single
3. Your hair? black
4. Work? teaching
5. Your sister? annoying
6. Your favorite thing? shopping
7. Your dream last night? Excel sheet =)
8. Your favorite drink? Pepsi
9. Your dream car? Porsche
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your shoes? beige
12. Your fears? betrayal
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? accomplished
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? friends
15. What you’re not good at? expressing myself
16. Muffin? corn
17. One of your wish list items? iPod
18. Where you grew up? KSA
19. The last thing you did? phone
20. What are you wearing? shirt
21. What aren’t you wearing? shoes =p
22. Your pet? none
23. Your computer? fast
24. Your life? smooth
25. Your mood? blue
26. Missing? you know =)
27. What are you thinking about right now? school
28. Your car? suzuki
29. Your kitchen? clean
30. Your summer? hot
31. Your favorite color? black
32. When is the last time you laughed? don't know
33. Last time you cried? yesterday evening
34. School? graduation
35. Tag? friends

Sometimes I wonder that why I am so resistant to intimacy. I tend to run away from anyone who tries to be close as if doing this would save me from getting hurt. May be I am afraid. I don't want to trust anyone… not anymore! I know this disappoints my friends but I am just that type of person. Like a turtle, I keep moving along my course but when someone comes close, I hide inside that carapace of self-regard.

For the first time in two weeks, I managed to smile.
I am breathing again. =)

She came up smiling after getting through it all.

Chali hai shehar mein kaisi hawa udasi ki
sabhi ne orh rakhi hai rida udasi ki
-Ahmed Faraz

After registering the news that today is off, I am unable to sleep. It's such a beautiful day today. The sweet sound of cuckoos, the cool morning breeze and the cloudy sky – Nature couldn't be more kind! Nothing is better than staying up and greeting this cheery morning.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Today's Quote

It is impossible to love and to be wise.

-Francis Bacon

I Moved Your Cheese

A new addition to my bookshelf! Bought it today with Sheeb, its cheesy title attracted our attention first and then the writer's claim that the book serves as a guide for lazy people.

It is not even necessary to read this book. Simply buying it and keeping it displayed in a prominent position will make you a brighter, happier and more desirable person.
- Darrel Bristow-Bovey

I think with seven untouched books already deposited on my shelf, this is the one that serves my purpose correctly. =D

These days I am pondering my mental state because I am experiencing mood swings more and more frequently. One minute I'll be ecstatic with happiness and then suddenly in the next, it's as though my world has collapsed around me and left me to pick up the pieces on my own. Its times like these I feel overwhelmed and need caffeine or the sharp reassurance of a razor blade to let me come back down.

I have started cutting again and if these circumstances continued I think I would start smoking as well. It's hard to carry on when the people around don't understand you so why waste time in telling them all? Those who say that sharing lessens the pain are fucking liars. Only it makes you vulnerable and exposed to exploitation. I don't need their sympathy or forced concerns or hollow words of consolation, because there really is nothing wrong with me. I simply have an overactive imagination who likes to paint a picture in the worst light possible.
"Mind disorder? Preposterous! Drama queen. Stop acting it up."

So I just smile and bear it all alone. You wouldn't be able to guess the kind of emotions churning behind this façade of giggles. Now while typing and listening to this song, I solace my despondency with tears.

Things I should be doing today:

checking grade 5 test papers
checking copies (have got piles of them)
completing planner
cleaning my room

Heck! Lazy me, get off the pc zuni and start working!

My fingers touched the keys and the thoughts disappeared. May be it's because I have said it all to a friend (or stranger for that matter), things that I should be writing in my blog. It's been quite long since I had been open with someone. Thanks for staying up and listening to all the crap (pseudo-intellectual crap, how's that?). Hope it didn't cause you headache.

I just don't understand this feeling of insecurity that engulfs me when someone asks about my blog link. I am still reluctant to sharing and resistant to intimacy. I have build so high walls around myself that no one can peek through.

Not even trojan horse can enter.

Things I did today:

1. slept for 11 hours.
2. slept again for 2 hours.
3. okay mostly that's it.
4. but I still feel tired
5. and my foot hurts
6. and its swollen
7. due to excessive walking
8. sad!

The Picnic

Tired, exhausted, and drained! That's all I can blog today. The kids and their teachers [;)], had a blast. I will upload pictures later.

As the kids have finally registered the news that they are going to have a picnic at the farm house; they all are fully excited and in high spirits. From the dresses to the food, they have talked about everything.

As dad reminded, today completes one year of living in this new residence and still I don't feel like this is home.

And here are more:

A closer view of Class 5A's display board

Hadia of Class 5A presenting her models


Class 5C students explaining their project work

Tooba of Class 5A explaining input devices

Okay, some pictures of project competition are in order:

Midhat and Roomana explaining their project work

Class 5A students explaining their project work (Hareem in front, Hadia on right, Hafsa at the back and Tooba behind)

(From left) Farwa, Saba and Midhat of Class 5C

Class 5B's models: flat-screen monitor, keyboard, paddle and webcam

A close view of class 5C's display board

Okay, to celebrate victory a little more, me and A bought two stuff toys: a bunny and a teddy bear. After Mr. Fluffoo and Pinkoo, I have named them as Mr. Bunny and Mr. Teddy until I could think of something better.

P.S. Did I mention that Saba's mom hugged me in front of everyone for putting up such a great project? Thank God S wasn't around otherwise she would have something bitter and hurt me badly.

Finally I have sobered up after all the victory excitement. Every catastrophe I faced while working on project seems pale in comparison to what I have achieved. Sometimes I think it's my blind trust in God that keeps me going. I am not really a person who prays and fasts but I am honest. My family and friends know about the troubled the state of my soul during project work especially a day before project exhibition, when I had nearly broken down. But then God has strange ways of working; I hadn't imagined that my project would be such a hit. My students didn't panic though they hadn't practiced much. They behaved exactly as I had told them. Everything went smoothly.

Hugs to muskan and sab, you rock girls!
Ms. Soob, blessed art thou. I definitely owe you a favor. I was so relaxed after leaving things in your hand. I wish I had come to you sooner. JazakAllah!
Mr. A, thanks for the printouts I know it cost you dearly. Thanks a bunch sir!
My students, I love you, I know at times, I had been a little hard on you but it was meant to get you on the track.

And to all those who brought cheers to my life during worst of times: thanks and hugs.

To those who didn't: what goes around comes around =)

Project Exhibition

How did the day begin? I don't know. I was up all night and couldn't even recall when the day actually began. All I know that my mind was captivated by things-to-do-today list. I had to listen to students' presentation, had to tell them how to present their models, had to prepare them for explaining their project work on display board and whatnot. Above all, I had to tell them how to behave in front of judges. Though I had been telling those tips and trivial facts about project presentation since the day we started working but they are kids and are prone to forget quickly.

First muskan did my make-up, because with sleep-burned eyes carrying dark circles, I looked horrible. During make-up I was told that Mr. Omer Manya, Master Licensee of The Fourth R, Pakistan had arrived. I also came to know that S was throwing tantrums at everyone. Reasons weren't discovered then but later, when my students told me that they showed their display board to her in the morning, I figured why. I totally ignored her sarcastic remarks afterwards.

It was time to gather my students. Class 5C's presentation was at number five, 5B's at number seven and 5A's at number nine. Sab and I started with class 5C. Sab prepared midhat and roomana for display board presentation while I prepared saba and farwa for multimedia presentation. After getting done, I went outside to take a look at other projects. It seemed that my display boards had created quite hype. All the senior girls were gaping at them. I showed them to other teachers as well. Muskan, sab and N, all liked and appreciated them. In the meantime, other judges had also arrived.

The presentation started immediately. I was called by muskan to send my students as Mr. Manya intended to leave early. Class 5C was up next. Students were waiting outside while I was in library listening to previous group's presentation. The students were fumbling, their confidence shaking and that scene made my heart skipped beats. I rushed outside and told my students to be confident and relax and so did muskan.

And then my students entered with their stuffs and when they unfolded their display board in front of judges, readers I don't have words to describe how they reacted. Sound of applauses and praises echoed in the library. Everyone with cameras started taking pictures and that display board became a celeb. It boosted my students' morale and they delivered their presentation quite brilliantly. One should hear them talk, they sounded so cute.

When the presentation got over, Mr. Manya stood up to leave. He appreciated me but I requested him to stay, telling that I really want him to watch my other students' work as well since they have put in a lot of effort. He complied and I am really grateful to him.

It was a break time and class 5A's presentation was up next. The numbers were re-shuffled since S's projects failed to make impact on judges. The students did good job though they weren't confident much as all this re-shuffling had confused them but they were good. In the meantime, sab started preparing class 5B students for presentation and all. And when their turn arrived, they delivered their presentation smoothly.

When all my students got done, I took them to cafeteria for treat. I was so involved with my students that I didn't even watch other group's presentations. I heard that they weren't much good with few exceptions. My three projects had knocked out other eight.

When it was all over, Mr. A, called us in his office and appreciated us with special compliments for my work. Later, we calculated points and as expected, Class 5C's project ranked first. The judges had called it superb, excellent and whatnot in their remarks.

HAIR I go...

Oh, seems like everybody liked my new haircut. Got so many compliments from teachers and students. On seeing me, ma'am R was like "Who are you?" LOL!

Yesterday I spent an hour in front of mirror looking at my new image. I don't blame U for calling me self-conceited. =D

Just came back from parlour and I am so loving my new hairdo. I feel extremely happy and dressing up to the nines.

Another blow....

Coach Bob Woolmer dies

http://www.geo.tv/geonews/details.asp?id=3583&param=4

Mystery of Life...

Why do people always call when you are:

1. in class
   
2. asleep
   
3. in a rickshaw
   
4. about to go to sleep
   
5. in a meeting
   
6. watching your favourite tv show

but never when you're wide awake, idle and bored.

Obituary

Ladies and Gentlemen!!! Please take a minute to pray for zuni's brain that died on the 14th of March, at 2:45 PM.

May her dysfunctional brain rest in peace.

I have realized
[in exactly 2 hours, 37 minutes and 2 seconds]
that I could easily fall for you.

I think I should start writing an autobiography. With an atrophied brain, crumbled soul and awful physical condition I don't seem to carry on for long. My blogs are quite sufficient for the autobiography but since not many people know about it (which suits me well because some of them are in no way supposed to know-not when I'm living), I have decided to make it public so that all of you can be regaled with delectable portions of my wonderfully interesting life. :P

So, here I am, rheumy-eyed with running nose and a brain half-dead. Murderous creeperistic flu has cut off my lifeline. Not to mention aches and cramps which have wrecked my body, it's one of the worst ordeals of being a female.

Would someone be considerate enough to send me get well soon wishes? I miss you.

P.S. Bouquets and floral wishes are welcome =)

The weather wears a new outfit every day. It's raining incessantly here, like a persistent, clingy fool in love. A March drizzle, something's wrong with our ecosystem or God is experimenting this year.

Rain washed away the blues and despair. Despite of the killing flu that has engulfed me since yesterday, I managed to soak myself for few minutes, in the rain. Don't ask what happened after that. Thank God I wasn't discovered by mom.

What a deceitful yet inspiring thing the rain is indeed, with raindrops pelting on your face, cold hugging clothes sticking to the body and cold rushes of air twirling the hair.

Fevers, I have discovered, are great conductors of grande ideas. Never is the writers mind more clear then when his body is in break down.

So let's recap: I have a guttural fever, sore throat and hacky-whacky cough and I have got a long things-to-do list.

P.S. Did I mention the stress my so called friends are giving me for the past 2 weeks? I want my fluffoo!

It has come to my realization that winx club is the most popular cartoon among children. Whenever they get done with work, they ask me to let them surf internet. And all they do is to visit winx club's website. I have taught them how to search using Google so whatever they study in theory, they search about it and collect information via internet. I think its quite practical approach to teaching which promotes interest in learning. More than that, it makes them independent. They have become so skillful in 6 months that if you ask about something they don't know, they will quickly search through Google and tell you all.

And now they search for winx fairies' pictures. Sometimes I do sit with them and talk about it. It's funny how I find myself taking interest in their activities. Deep down, I think I wish I was a child again, forget everything in the world except for one particular object that has become the focal point of my attention.

Whenever I sit with them I realize that I take off that fake-plastic-me mask and become really myself. May be there is a little girl inside me that keeps me from behaving like adults and that girl never wants to grow up.

Chills.....down my spine...

Lately, I have been reminiscing a lot. About a lot of fun times and I know what Michael said (see below) about dwelling into the past, but I can't seem to get over it. May be I am terribly missing those times. I wish I could turn back the time. I realize even more and more while I am in this lonely room. I just find out stuff about myself like never before. And then people tell me things, and I wonder, I think I have softened up and my facade has finally shown through.

Yeah, some of you reading this probably never have seen me through my facade. But isn't it funny how I can be so cheerful and so bitchy, yet so soft hearted inside? Perhaps, my soft heartedness is no longer there. The only things I feel lately are bitter and anger and I am trying to hold them in before I let it explode. But then the burden comes of holding it in, which makes me tired. In the end, I am probably so exhausted, yet I keep my smile on my face to keep anyone from noticing.

Till now, people really never had to look into me, generalizing people that are. Only a small, not even a handful knows much about me. But, lately, I am getting told things that I should have kept secret. Things that I don't mean to show, but they show right through. My facade is decaying; I guess I am at the point in which I can no longer keep it up. I have no energy to do anything anymore; I wander online to keep my mind off these thoughts. And the more I run away, the more I am backing myself into a corner. And I keep running. No matter, wherever I go.

I will have to lock myself into a corner in my mind and never let anyone in. In the end it's not worth my time to tell people. I push them away. I don't want people to know anymore. No more, just no more. Because, if there's anything in the end, it's no one to turn to.

Today's Quote:

"I've come to realize that as important the future is to all of us, the present is where we live and that is where we must live. We cannot dwell in the past because we'd never be able to move forward. We cannot dwell too much in the future because you might disregard the present and unknowingly forced yourself into a future you didn't want."

- Michael Wang

Makes me sad, some of my friends, I regard as my closest friends, yet in the end, they are just one of the others. All I see is the shallowness around me and the hypocrisy that I can't stand.

Those that say "the best person that understands you is YOU" I cannot even begin to comprehend. I don't understand myself, why must I bear the burden of understanding other people.

This chaos within me doesn't let me accept things as they are and I am too weak to make a change. I don't think I will ever be happy again. Yet, I want to be happy …really happy… I want to smile when I wake up in the morning. If only, only, wishes could come true.

Listening to: Anywhere by Evanescence

I am totally idle right now. MSN isn't working and I'm in no mood to check copies.... same old dedicated laziness. Even don't feel like orkuting today – courtesy all those "fraaindship" scraps which have flooded my scrapbook. Dayem!!! … Been glued to orkut since last two weeks.

Sitting idle, I am wondering why, despite the fact that I am fairly well-read and educated, and have a shiny, happy future in front of me (or I am told so) I am so hopelessly addicted to orkut.

Tomorrow is off.
Nothing is more cheering than this unanticipated holiday news.

I am dead tired today. The day was quite busy. I attended TFR's workshop. There were teachers from two other schools also.

The initial discussion revolved mainly around Computer Society and the activities to be conducted in March that is holding quiz and project competition. Then we discussed in great detail the factors that would likely to hinder in carrying out our plans. The two major ones were the time factor and O-levels exam. We talked through it. Okay, not we but it was actually S and muskan who did most of the talking. Anyways, the discussion continued and at one point it seemed that everyone was talking in circles. Mr. M talked nineteen to dozen and it had dozed my head.

When we got done, we short listed the quiz questions. While working, we conversed about our bosses. It started off by criticism on their lack of understanding on some important matters but ended with praise. Everyone concluded that their bosses were not, after all, bad persons…. lol. I was quiet during most of the discussion and concentrated on work. The work was boring but the conservation bored me to death. The words sounded hollow; the thoughts lacked originality and were plainly shallow.

I reached home around 4 PM and discovered that mom wants me to go for shopping with her. Okay, I love to shop but not at the cost of sleep.

Someone has churned up my emotions...can't figure it out right now. I don't understand this feeling. May be it's because I have been closing myself off from the world that the connection with another mortal being has brought some fresh hopes...
But I have to remember the lesson that I learned the hard way!

Sigh!

Today's fortune:
You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth

Well, this is what i found on my orkut's homepage. I'm getting old... and wise =D

Over the past few weeks – I have felt so isolated and at one point it seemed that my loneliness is going to be the end of me.

Maybe it's because I have been closing myself off from people that I feel so disconnected from them. Maybe it's because I have perfected the art of building up facades that hardly anyone can see through it unless - they are searching to the extent of uncomfortable probing, and no one I know of immediately would bother.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really knows me, the real me for that matter. I have found solace in writing and gone are the days I search for a shoulder to cry on… look for arms to be wrapped up in. And even though I'm strong enough to have survived without that, I can't fill the emptiness inside. And now that I am sitting in silence with teary eyes… I admit to myself that yes, I am lonely.

Today was grade 5's monthly test and the students really tested my patience. Everything was written in black and white but still they were asking how and what to do. Some of them even argued.

Kid 1: Miss you have given the picture of floppy so what do we have to write in the space for device name?

Kid 2: Miss we have to write floppy in the blank for device name, right?

Kid 3: Miss we have written in our note book that video cards have memory and processor but in the choices you have given: (a) memory (b) processor (c) both
Which one should we choose?

And to my utmost disappointed, 99% of them selected either option (a) or (b). Sigh

May be it's not all their fault. They are so used to 'ratification' and spoon feeding that they find it difficult to attempt a paper that involves using common sense. This is a major drawback of our educational system. It's hard to introduce something new or to bring about reforms since resistance comes from all directions. There are very few parents who appreciate such measures while the rest of the parent population is only concerned with child's marks.

Things to do:
- check monthly test papers of grade 4A
- check copies of grade 4 students

I have been procrastinating checking work since long. Nothing is preventing me from checking except for pure dedicated laziness.

Is it just my luck that everyone insists on being absolutely mean and downright cruel, exactly the same day?

To hell with everyone!
Leave me alone.

... on the verge of breaking down.

My creative process

Ever since I was a child, a seat near the window has always been my favorite place. Lost in reveries, I sit motionless and watch through the glass. My thoughts wander along with the changing frame of reference. They come to halt only when the vehicle stops. And then I look around as if suddenly awakened from a sleep.

My mind has been a captive of wanton thoughts long before I was able to formulate them into words. They bang against the walls of my head like butterflies fluttering in a cage. I hear them as they echo till they take form of and come out as what we call - ideas.

People say I was born creative and may be that's the reason I have sought ways to express myself. Seeking ways implies that curbs were imposed from time to time on the expression when it seemed to be deviating from the norms – fictitious norms to be precise; and respective measures were taken in order to make it conform. Since limitations seldom diminish the creative power of an individual, ideas keep originating and keep seeking ways to emerge.

Well, blogger has gone all gmail and I, along with most of the other native bloggers, won't be able to access this New Blogger. It's annoying. The blogger ban has been a source of constant misery since it was enforced.

The Constitution grants me the right to freedom of speech. I will not move to Wordpress. Porn sites and other obscene materials are accessible, rapists and murderers can roam around scot-free, in the Parliament and on the streets, and Blogspot will apparently be the end of us all.

For the PTA and them ISPs (and whoever else is responsible for this); for heaven’s sake, QUIT BLOCKING BLOGS!!! It is entirely uncalled for!!!

Hmph.

Anyone for a protest?

Kids Programming Language (KPL)

KPL (Kids Programming Language) is an outstanding language developed by Morrison Schwartz, a software development and consulting company. It makes easy for kids to learn computer programming and what they call “computer logic”.

I have downloaded and installed it. I can’t wait to see my students writing their code in KPL. In fact, I have decided to introduce it in grade 4 as well. Initially my plan is to make them write codes to print statements in different colors. This would be enough for an 8 or 9-year-old kid.

I am thinking about writing some codes myself to create some educational programs. The syntax is very much similar to VB. With KPL, students will also get familiar to .NET environment. I suppose KPL will soon replace BASIC as “Beginners Programming Language”. Hail KPL!!!

P.S. I have added KPL’s link under teacher’s guide section.

Obituary: Author Sidney Sheldon dies

This is sad :( .

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6315875.stm


I like to write about women who are talented and capable, but who retain their femininity
-Sidney Sheldon

Is it true?

From toothpaste for dinner

Will it solve the problem?

From toothpaste for dinner

Yay!!!

I got registered at rice bowl journals. Feel good, ... in fact great : )

I have realized that I have consumed a considerable amount of junk food in past 2 weeks. Must cut down on caffeine also. It’s causing pimples. Damn!

Still, my computer desk has two packs of kurleez and a Pepsi can. [:p] Wish I could take picture of current state of the desk. Along with foodstuff; there is a pen - which I’m sure, cannot write; my cell; MS Office cd; a USB; then there are 2 or 3 notebooks; few scratched mobile prepaid cards; and two empty cans of carbonated drink that I consumed last night. Looking at this messy desk, I can’t help recalling that how messy my life used to be once. Though it’s pretty smooth now but I wonder how long this smoothness would last. A few days ago S commented on me for not sharing things with friends, even muskan said that I should be open with friends. May be I’m not ready to trust people yet. I have learned not to share pain and let people know about messiness in my life and that’s the reason I’m happy. After all, sharing it doesn’t lessen the pain or cleans up the mess – it’s individual’s all. No one can understand it or make it better than the person himself. Yes, I have learned the hard way!

Today’s Quote

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow them.
-Louisa May Alcott

Tagged by a freind

I am thinking about:
random stuff

I said:
did anyone hear me?

I want to:
· Study mass communication & journalism
· Learn salsa and flamenco
· Travel …in fact fly away to a place where no one knows me
· Make my students accomplished ladies and women of substance

I wish:
· I had more than 24 hours at my disposal
· I had perpetual insomnia
· I had my own library of books
· I could shop more …no shop less, I’m already shopping a lot
· I could be less spontaneous … cuzz even I don’t know what I might do next.
· I could be anonymous

I miss:
some good old days :)

I wonder:
what I will be doing this time, next year

I regret:
· The times when I panicked and lost my cool
· The times when I trusted the wrong people

I hear:
· Music …it lives in my head and rots my brain :P
· Thoughts…. they echo

I am:
· happy (to some extent)
· spontaneous (to very extent)

I dance:
like noone’s watching

I sing:
passionately and terribly off-key lol

I cry:
at pretty much everything

I am not:
· always docile
· a diplomat and can never be…cuzz I hate hypocrites!

I make with my hands:
drawings …nail art

I write:
about loads of stuff

I confuse:
myself

I need:
to really figure my life out

I should try:
to be more honest about my feelings

I finish:
Tasks I start ...unless it’s cleaning my room :D

Here I am, with my upgraded yahoo avatar. It looks groovy representing my new state of mind. After wearing gothic costume for long time, I have decided to give it a change. It’s just a change in outlook. I still have those loyal gothic roots in my heart that cannot be uprooted easily.

Finally, got three days off on account of aashura. No big plans except to sleep. Last two weeks had been horrible. I was overworked and under rested. It reflected in my attitude too. Besides, I was highly pms-ed and threw tantrums at everyone. This doesn’t mean I m using this as an excuse but it was one of the reasons of my going berserk.

A wounded finger, have I
a deep incision, has it
dark red with traces of
dried blood
and pain double
in proportion to a normal winter’s day
withering like a dry leaf
pathetic and hopeless,
appears this finger today
-Zunairah

Connecting people...

It’s so depressing to lie in bed with nothing to do. Well, I rummaged through my inbox, read all the saved messages and then forwarded them to almost everyone in my contact book. After half an hour, I had sent 50 SMSes and my balance showed Rs. 12, which were 85 before I started off.

Today I did something I shouldn’t do. I lost my cool and said stuff I shouldn’t have. I hurt my friends and in turn its hurting me now. I still get flared up easily. I need to work on it. Maybe it was due to anger that’s boiling up inside. I have learnt not to expect anything from people around but then I still get hurt. I am more into my work and myself than I was ever before but it still saddens me when people leave me out. I know it is just another incident but it doesn’t help. I am unable to accept the fact that they did it deliberately. And they want me to open up and share my life with them. Duh!

I have always found it hard to relate to people and it’s something I will never be able to. I’m just that type of person and I don’t want people to intrude. I wish they would care more - but expectations from the people around you are so rarely met; that I would rather treasure what I have rather than expecting something I know noone can understand.

OMG! The students are in love with this brain pop site. It’s an animated educational site for young kids. It contains animated videos explaining different topics concerning various disciplines. Last time I showed them movie that explains working of computer mouse, which was really interesting. The students took online quiz as well. Even Mr. Amin was quite happy when I told him. He is willing to register at this site.

New Year Resolutions

In my introductory classes I explained to students that what a New Year resolution is and its significance in one’s life. After discussion I told them to make their own resolution. No doubt, they came up with some really interesting ones:

• I will take bath daily.
• I will be responsible.
• I will listen to my parents.
• I will not fight with my elder sister.
• I will slap my brother.
• I will dress nicely.
• I will study to make my mother happy.

hmm… what else can you expect from 8 to 10 year old kids?

Don’t we just love our employers for giving us fast net? It’s been six months and I have downloaded around 50 songs (including 5 videos) :D.

tum jab aao gi mujhay khoya hoya pao gi,
mairee tanhayee main khawabon kay siwa kuch bhee nahi.
mairay kamray ko sajanay ki tamanna hai tumhain,
mairay kamray main kitaboon kay siwa kuch bhee nahi.
inn kitaboon main ek ramz hai jis ka mara hoya zehan,
mazda-e-ishrat-e-anjam paa nahi sakta,
zindigee main aaraam paa nahi sakta

Blessed be Mary!

I just stumbled upon this painting of Kretz featuring our demigoddess Miss Jolie, while surfing. The disappointing factor is the portrayal of Angelina as Virgin Mary – I mean come on, she is holding a daughter born out of wedlock and is still virgin?

As for the celebrity worship process, it would be better if she were depicted as Venus or Aphrodite. The beauty and goodness does not equate with divinity. As Blake Gopnik (Washington Post art critic) said, “Once you've deciphered it, there's not much chance of giving it a second look."

I second that.

Same old brand new ME

I love Sundays… in fact I love all holidays but Sunday is somewhat special in a way that all the procrastinated work is completed on Sunday. It’s funny how I simply label the tasks that I don’t wanna do as to be done on Sunday in the hope that someone else would do the work. Above all, StarWorld runs about 5 episodes of The Bold & The Beautiful back-to-back on Sundays.

I am back pretty much to my old self now – happy, shiny, crazy, and full of life. Though future still seems hazy - clouded by my own fears and insecurities but now I can see a silver lining in the clouds.

Scary…isn’t it?

Three days ago I was thinking of tasting blood because I was sure of my vampiredom. I looked at my teeth closely wondering if I had some long pointed canine teeth.

Yesterday I was having an online conversation with Sheeb, when she asked that if I thought she could be spontaneous. It just occurred to me that she might be practicing telekinesis so I asked, “you mean in existence?”

Today I was standing at the terrace in front of full moon hoping if I could get transformed into a werewolf.

Today’s Thought: I am different

If you knew me yesterday,
please do not think that I am the same person that you are meeting today.
I have experienced more of life,
I have encountered new depths in those I love,
I have suffered and prayed...
and I am different.

2006 in review…

I am not a firm believer of astrology but the following prediction appeared last year on msn's site, somehow, turned out to be true.

LEO in 2006 – Challenge

You’re not one to acknowledge limitations, Leo, and thus when others sneer about your ambitions, you’re more inclined to stubbornly continue to work toward attaining them than to listen to your friends and give up. This year, you just might step over the edge and embrace some goals that most would consider impossible – and you could make a success of them. The resulting boost in your self-confidence could strengthen your love life. Committed Lions will experience a rebirth of romance; the uninvolved will attract it. The effort will, however, take its toll on your stamina if you’re not careful. It’s important that you stay healthy and not neglect your body. Once you’ve attained some of your dearest dreams, you’ll want to enjoy your good fortune.

I started off wondering if I would ever be happy again.

In 2006, I decided to write seriously and started working as a freelance writer. I stepped in the corporate world, got a decent job but quit early – a courtesy of politically charged environment. Then applied for job as a teacher in a reputable school and since then my life has been pretty smooth. I had never taught before and I never wanted to, took it as a challenge just to prove that I could do something but now- it would be my last job. I have discovered some of my creative skills while teaching and now when parents and my employers praise me, I consider myself accomplished.

In 2006, I regained self-confidence and achieved my goals instead of giving up as it seemed at one point.

In 2006, I discovered, for the first time in years, happiness that was not co-dependent on my relationships with other people.

To all the people who made the year bearable, happy, great - thanks. :)

To the people who didn't – well, I believe in karma.

Scrap crap

Following is a sort of conversation between humzie and me who happened to come across my profile after a long time.
Some doodling scribbles that we made in each other’s scrapbook:

Humzie: n when did u get committed n to who? :O

Me: Lets say, i'm committed to my work and myself.
what about u? single??? since when? u look cute

Humzie: fooling me eh? :P
yeah im singleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *sigh*
complications of life! :D
*wink wink*

Me: i wonder how a pretty n hot girl like u could be single but yeah life is too complicated n so are men! ;)

Humzie: lol! but that doesnt mean ive given up on life and RELATIONSHIPS! :D
im not just hot.. im willing and able ! LOL!
yaar bas dekhlo! qadar hi nai hai :(

Me: good! that's the spirit! (Y)
u rock girl!

Humzie: THANKYOU THANKYOU *BOWS* LOL!
have fun girl..:) invite me to ur wedding whenever it happens to take place.... i might come down! thats coz i love shadi ka khana! :D

Me: don't worry i'll whenever it happens...would send you tickets.
by the way, i'm not formally engaged yet :D ...engagement is prolly in feb.

Humzie: thats awesomeness!
whos the guy.. disclose it to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: u don't know him...he doesn't live here :D shaadi par aaogi to dekh lena

Humzie: bas fine!!!!!! i'll know some1 else here then! :D
yaar dhoondo na koi chika!!! :D ahahhaa so i also get married when i come down to attend urz! haha! pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee! /)

Me: what abt canadians? aren't they hot?
he lives in kuwait...ussey keh doongi so that hum dono saath rahein...waisey koi arab chale ga? ;)

Humzie: y notttttttt as long as hes HOT! lol
and ITALIANS are soooooo hot.... uff!

Me: n so r brazillians LOL!

Humzie: are theyyyyyyyyyy???????????
OMG! wah wahh.. so much hotness on earth! :D LOL

Me: LMAO! we should come down now...heaven seems boring :D

I am cracking up these days. Some sure signs are:

• Singing loudly while walking on streets.
  
• Dancing at terrace.
  
• Listening to romantic ballads.
  

I know what you guys are thinking. No! I am not in love; it’s just the phase I am going through. :D

Today was Sanz last day at school. Six months passed in the wink of an eye – seems like yesterday when sitting in the lab she talked to me in a very candid way as if she knows me since long and made me feel so comfortable that for a minute I forgot that it was my first day – time really flies! I don’t think I realized how sad I was going to be until we bade her farewell. It gradually sunk in then that she is no more around to cheer us up with her groovy jokes. No more her to save me from getting into troubles. I got along with her quite well from day one because of her freestyle and an easygoing personality. She stood by me when I needed her and spoke for me when I couldn’t voice my point of view. She is responsible for the few smiles I have managed in the worst of times. I will miss Sanz! I will miss her deeply.

All the best for her wedding. I hope all goes happy and well, and I'm very sure it will, InshaAllah.

Today’s Question:

What will you do if your husband doesn’t understand your job responsibilities, keeps bugging you while you are at work and finally forces you to quit?

Answer:
File for divorce!

In our part of the world men seem to desire a woman who will take care of the home well. And it goes unsaid that she has to mold her life to fit her spouse’s. I think it’s a byproduct of our male chauvinistic culture.

When two people live together they become teammates. Marriage is not just about sharing a house or a room; it includes sharing your dreams and hopes as well. It’s important in a marriage that each should be supportive of other’s dreams and recognize the responsibilities in ministry to which one may be called. I think a strong relationship has to come from two independently strong individuals who are in a relationship for all the right reasons; people who are strong enough to communicate honestly, admit their fears to one another, and mold their lives to fit each other’s.

Written after knowing a dreadful husband who forced his wife to quit job just because he was incapable of understanding her job responsibilities.

Bush’s things to do list:

From toothpaste for dinner

Today’s word: Anymore

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?
'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

Happy shiny me

I like this picture very much. It was taken on 4th December by my shutterbug friend sanz, when I was leaving for home. I was really happy and it shows.

The rain lifted our spirits.

Happy Birthday

This goes to my little sis A …sorry couldn’t wish you earlier. Forgive me for that.

Happy birthday late, and also ever!
All your days be blessed with love and peace!
Please forgive my lateness, and endeavor
Patiently to grant me my release.
Years come and go; our friendship will increase

Birthdays are like maps or clocks or signs:
In them we see an order more profound.
Reality lies deeper than our lines:
Time ticks as quarks and galaxies go round.
However arbitrary they may be,
Dates mark measures in the march of fate;
And since I'd like to see your destiny,
You can be sure next year I won't be late!

I keep walking
On a lonely road
Not knowing what lies
At the end
Not turning back to look
What I have left behind

I hear you calling
After me
But I keep walking
Thinking that you may follow

I keep walking
Until your voice becomes a distant echo
And I keep walking
Till I could hear you no more.
-Zunairah

Today’s thought:

"I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

To me, that’s the way to live. In the next few days, I won’t have time to make a halt and think how my life is moving on.

Today’s word: Enough

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough.

- REM: Losing my Religion

It’s just one of those days when I have nothing to say but feeling bad about me all the time.

I am a writer yet I am unable to connect words to my emotions. And I am a teacher… someone who can explain anything through words but…. words fail me now. Nothing can better describe what I feel at this moment except the tears in my eyes.

You were my sad story, the one that I will never be able tell because no one will believe me.

Everything breaks my heart, these days.

Happy Birthday Mother

The heavens open and angels come down. They spread their wings and blessings shower on earth. Happy Birthday Mother!