Dilemma

Why do we keep running into people we don't want to meet?

What hurts the most…..

My legs hurt. My feet hurt. My arms hurt. My shoulders hurt and worst of all is the heartache!

Things to do:

1. Take care of my diet
2. don't stay up whole night… yes, I am insomniac
3. think about taking driving test, seeing as I'm 23 with no permit nor license
4. stop thinking about how fucked up my life is… because that's the way things are right now…remember your tarot card reading xuni?


It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Water poisoning!

Another month passed and I didn't write anything for my students. The story still lingers in my mind. Anyways, today was just another rotten day of my life. I have plenty of such days, in fact all of them are worse with few exceptions, so this one will be rated on the lowest level because I had a nice time talking to muskan and I told her things that I never told anyone at school. Yeah, I know I stepped out of my carapace but readers; I do that sometimes when I feel it's hard to pretend I am okay.

Karachiites are going through weird moods of Nature. Today's weather was awfully hot and humid. We went to uni though I told muskan that I am not interested in submitting form for a year old degree, but she considered it necessary and since she also had to get claim form, I agreed to go. What happened there and what we suffered is useless to describe as anyone who has studied in or even entered ku, which includes almost everyone in Karachi, has known tragedy. Some things never change about ku!

On getting home, I discovered that mom wants to go shopping with sis and I am supposed to go along. But the 'ultra-hygienic' water I drank from cooler there caused incessant vomiting so I was spared the torment of walking after marathon walk at uni.

Matrimony

Ladies and gentlemen! I am going to announce the news that I registered nine hours ago. Here it is: It has been decided and settled finally that I am going to get married exactly after eighteen days that is, on Friday, 20th July, 2007.

All I need is time… a couple of more years, but it's hard to explain these things to your parents especially if you have an ailing father. That's why I didn't argue much this time.

I saw this while bloghopping and decided to do it myself:

1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Relationship? single
3. Your hair? black
4. Work? teaching
5. Your sister? annoying
6. Your favorite thing? shopping
7. Your dream last night? Excel sheet =)
8. Your favorite drink? Pepsi
9. Your dream car? Porsche
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your shoes? beige
12. Your fears? betrayal
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? accomplished
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? friends
15. What you’re not good at? expressing myself
16. Muffin? corn
17. One of your wish list items? iPod
18. Where you grew up? KSA
19. The last thing you did? phone
20. What are you wearing? shirt
21. What aren’t you wearing? shoes =p
22. Your pet? none
23. Your computer? fast
24. Your life? smooth
25. Your mood? blue
26. Missing? you know =)
27. What are you thinking about right now? school
28. Your car? suzuki
29. Your kitchen? clean
30. Your summer? hot
31. Your favorite color? black
32. When is the last time you laughed? don't know
33. Last time you cried? yesterday evening
34. School? graduation
35. Tag? friends

Sometimes I wonder that why I am so resistant to intimacy. I tend to run away from anyone who tries to be close as if doing this would save me from getting hurt. May be I am afraid. I don't want to trust anyone… not anymore! I know this disappoints my friends but I am just that type of person. Like a turtle, I keep moving along my course but when someone comes close, I hide inside that carapace of self-regard.

For the first time in two weeks, I managed to smile.
I am breathing again. =)

She came up smiling after getting through it all.

Chali hai shehar mein kaisi hawa udasi ki
sabhi ne orh rakhi hai rida udasi ki
-Ahmed Faraz

After registering the news that today is off, I am unable to sleep. It's such a beautiful day today. The sweet sound of cuckoos, the cool morning breeze and the cloudy sky – Nature couldn't be more kind! Nothing is better than staying up and greeting this cheery morning.

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Today's Quote

It is impossible to love and to be wise.

-Francis Bacon

I Moved Your Cheese

A new addition to my bookshelf! Bought it today with Sheeb, its cheesy title attracted our attention first and then the writer's claim that the book serves as a guide for lazy people.

It is not even necessary to read this book. Simply buying it and keeping it displayed in a prominent position will make you a brighter, happier and more desirable person.
- Darrel Bristow-Bovey

I think with seven untouched books already deposited on my shelf, this is the one that serves my purpose correctly. =D

These days I am pondering my mental state because I am experiencing mood swings more and more frequently. One minute I'll be ecstatic with happiness and then suddenly in the next, it's as though my world has collapsed around me and left me to pick up the pieces on my own. Its times like these I feel overwhelmed and need caffeine or the sharp reassurance of a razor blade to let me come back down.

I have started cutting again and if these circumstances continued I think I would start smoking as well. It's hard to carry on when the people around don't understand you so why waste time in telling them all? Those who say that sharing lessens the pain are fucking liars. Only it makes you vulnerable and exposed to exploitation. I don't need their sympathy or forced concerns or hollow words of consolation, because there really is nothing wrong with me. I simply have an overactive imagination who likes to paint a picture in the worst light possible.
"Mind disorder? Preposterous! Drama queen. Stop acting it up."

So I just smile and bear it all alone. You wouldn't be able to guess the kind of emotions churning behind this façade of giggles. Now while typing and listening to this song, I solace my despondency with tears.

Things I should be doing today:

checking grade 5 test papers
checking copies (have got piles of them)
completing planner
cleaning my room

Heck! Lazy me, get off the pc zuni and start working!

My fingers touched the keys and the thoughts disappeared. May be it's because I have said it all to a friend (or stranger for that matter), things that I should be writing in my blog. It's been quite long since I had been open with someone. Thanks for staying up and listening to all the crap (pseudo-intellectual crap, how's that?). Hope it didn't cause you headache.

I just don't understand this feeling of insecurity that engulfs me when someone asks about my blog link. I am still reluctant to sharing and resistant to intimacy. I have build so high walls around myself that no one can peek through.

Not even trojan horse can enter.

Things I did today:

1. slept for 11 hours.
2. slept again for 2 hours.
3. okay mostly that's it.
4. but I still feel tired
5. and my foot hurts
6. and its swollen
7. due to excessive walking
8. sad!

The Picnic

Tired, exhausted, and drained! That's all I can blog today. The kids and their teachers [;)], had a blast. I will upload pictures later.

As the kids have finally registered the news that they are going to have a picnic at the farm house; they all are fully excited and in high spirits. From the dresses to the food, they have talked about everything.

As dad reminded, today completes one year of living in this new residence and still I don't feel like this is home.